Enmologists claim that the silkworm can smell another silkworm of the opposite sex ready to mate at a distance of about six and a half kilometers. Our reproductive instinct is not capable of this. However, nature has programmed our romantic "radar" with amazingly high-precision sensitivity. So we are able to find the very man we need, in order to start the process by which the emotional scheme we need would work to the end. So, how to ignite the sexual and romantic attraction of men who are optimal partners for you?
Do you like some "wrong" ones?
A well-known and very feminine problem: we like someone who is not available (unprofitable, or simply dangerous), and we do not pay attention to cute, ready for us boyfriends. Sometimes there's something magical about it - after breaking up with an old boyfriend, you can go to a party, and there will always be one person who attracts you the most. After meeting him for a few weeks or a few months, you will find that he has the same emotional qualities as the previous partner. But when you saw it for the first time, you had no idea that everything would turn out that way!
We cannot force our sexual vibes and attractiveness to act purposefully - that's a fact. However, there is something deeper in our psyche that most of us never consider. Although our attractiveness cannot be controlled by a cold mind, it can be "trained". Psychologists can share some techniques for training sexual and romantic attraction to people who are kind, respectful—and available to us. Even if you are relentlessly attracted to bad boys or unavailable men, you can still develop this valuable ability.
And these are not tricks or magic - these are simply behavioral habits, so to speak, "lifelong" romantic skills that you will use to maintain intimacy and the fire of passion in your future serious relationship. Which you will certainly start with the right person.
Spectrum of attractiveness
Every time we enter a room full of people, we make a choice based on our traditional preferences. Who have we noticed? Who are we approaching? Why do we like them?
Our attractiveness, our best features are forged in the deep space of our being, and depend on countless, often incomprehensible factors. When we encounter a likeable person, our psyche (they say, the heart) begins a surprisingly complex check, reading obvious signs such as physique and facial structure, along the way noticing a myriad of subtle signals - body language, facial expressions. The contour of the lips, the nuance of the voice and the tension of the muscles around the eyes. We can immediately process this information without even knowing it. Everything: as a result, we feel either desire, or its absence.
Each of us is attracted to a certain type of guys - physical, emotional (personality type). Let's assume that there is a certain "spectrum of attraction" or attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10. Men at the bottom of the scale are not attractive to us physically or romantically at all, but those at the top end of the scale are extremely attractive, leaving weakness in the knees, anguish in soul and create in us a sense of insecurity.
Harvil Hendrix, one of the founders of the psychotherapeutic method of imagotherapy, highlights this phenomenon in the following way - these people who are at the top of the “attraction spectrum” are so attractive to us in part because they embody not only the best. But also the worst emotional characteristics of our parents! Imagotherapy sheds light on our habits in choosing a partner. From childhood we carry problems - the sediment after betrayal, anger, manipulation, and unconsciously, we seek healing through our partner, who often replaces the image of the father. We try to achieve this healing by emotionally bonding and re-creating the traumatic situation with the surrogate in the hope that we can finally convince him to love and accept us.
At the same time, our conscious mind tries to choose a partner with positive qualities for us, but our unconscious craves revenge and draws us to people with the qualities that hurt us the most in childhood. By choosing for a relationship a man who scores from 7 to 10 points on the “attraction spectrum” scale, many women believe that they have met their true love and passion, but this is not so - they have met only a surrogate who should resolve their unfinished drama. And it cannot be "lost" in this way. This partly explains why we are so mistaken in choosing a partner and step on the same rake.
How to choose "your" man according to the attractiveness spectrum scale
It also explains why we feel most poignant with the bad guys, who put us at risk for more drama and heartbreak. Relationships with them can be painfully exciting, but they are rarely comfortable and safe for the psyche. While men with points 1-5 in the "spectrum of attraction" inspire only one boredom, although they can be beautiful, and kind, and generally perfect! They are simply safe for us, and although we feel more comfortable with them, the result is boredom. Frustration, and lack of passion.
According to the experience of psychologists, women who prefer men with the maximum score, and do not compromise, are much more likely to be left alone. To prevent this from happening, and also to avoid fruitless and painful relationships, they recommend staying with men whose attractiveness to you is in the middle of the range - 4-6 points: they have flaws, but you can close your eyes to them. And you don't lose your head after dating guys like that. Of course, attraction to them will not flare up immediately; it usually takes longer for a relationship to show you how interested you really are in that person. But, most likely, you will find real and lasting love in the face of such a man.
Sexual attraction, sex appeal can grow - and many of us can agree with this, remembering the experience when the one we met became more attractive to us over time. So what do we do when we meet someone who inspires us, and we feel sparks of attraction, but they are not enough to fall in love?
If you have seen artists working on a portrait, you will notice that they often squint. This helps them focus on the essence of one subject without being distracted by outlines. We should do the same in our relationships - squint and consider the features that we like the most. This will increase his chances, because sexual desire is a much more volatile feeling than you might think. The more we focus on these qualities that trigger our desire, the more likely we are to feel passion. When we start caring and thinking about someone, our sexual fantasies and desires increase, along with our growing dependence on that person. This is how we can activate our passion.
When we build muscle through bodybuilding, our body creates new capillaries to feed it. When we create new love, something similar happens: literally new nerve endings, emotional pathways, new rituals, sensory memories and needs are created. This whole network allows a stranger to become our loved one. This is why a breakup, a divorce, can cause us real physical pain.
But if you feel a spark of attraction, don't rush - give yourself space. No matter how great a person he is, you don't have to love him more than you can. Forcing the senses will only block the natural flow of attraction. Instead, allow yourself to reflect on what draws you to him and what you value most about him.
Love takes time
Cultivating attractiveness takes inspiration and time! Take time to let your fantasies unfold the plot. In the meantime, you could just hold hands at the movies. Or you can allow yourself to gently touch for a long time. You can imagine fast hot sex - anything that could develop your passion. But it is better to postpone the fulfillment of fantasies after five or six dates - this way the attraction will only grow. This is a great way to cultivate passion. More importantly, don't have sex with a new partner too early, as the potential fear of intimacy makes you want to run away.