How to direct your attractiveness in a constructive direction?

Enmologists claim that the silkworm can smell another silkworm of the opposite sex ready to mate at a distance of about six and a half kilometers. Our reproductive instinct is not capable of this. However, nature has programmed our romantic "radar" with amazingly high-precision sensitivity. So we are able to find the very man we need, in order to start the process by which the emotional scheme we need would work to the end. So, how to ignite the sexual and romantic attraction of men who are optimal partners for you?

How to meet

Do you like some "wrong" ones?

A well-known and very feminine problem: we like someone who is not available (unprofitable, or simply dangerous), and we do not pay attention to cute, ready for us boyfriends. Sometimes there's something magical about it - after breaking up with an old boyfriend, you can go to a party, and there will always be one person who attracts you the most. After meeting him for a few weeks or a few months, you will find that he has the same emotional qualities as the previous partner. But when you saw it for the first time, you had no idea that everything would turn out that way!

We cannot force our sexual vibes and attractiveness to act purposefully - that's a fact. However, there is something deeper in our psyche that most of us never consider. Although our attractiveness cannot be controlled by a cold mind, it can be "trained". Psychologists can share some techniques for training sexual and romantic attraction to people who are kind, respectful—and available to us. Even if you are relentlessly attracted to bad boys or unavailable men, you can still develop this valuable ability.

And these are not tricks or magic - these are simply behavioral habits, so to speak, "lifelong" romantic skills that you will use to maintain intimacy and the fire of passion in your future serious relationship. Which you will certainly start with the right person.

Spectrum of attractiveness

Every time we enter a room full of people, we make a choice based on our traditional preferences. Who have we noticed? Who are we approaching? Why do we like them?

Our attractiveness, our best features are forged in the deep space of our being, and depend on countless, often incomprehensible factors. When we encounter a likeable person, our psyche (they say, the heart) begins a surprisingly complex check, reading obvious signs such as physique and facial structure, along the way noticing a myriad of subtle signals - body language, facial expressions. The contour of the lips, the nuance of the voice and the tension of the muscles around the eyes. We can immediately process this information without even knowing it. Everything: as a result, we feel either desire, or its absence.

Each of us is attracted to a certain type of guys - physical, emotional (personality type). Let's assume that there is a certain "spectrum of attraction" or attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10. Men at the bottom of the scale are not attractive to us physically or romantically at all, but those at the top end of the scale are extremely attractive, leaving weakness in the knees, anguish in soul and create in us a sense of insecurity.

Harvil Hendrix, one of the founders of the psychotherapeutic method of imagotherapy, highlights this phenomenon in the following way - these people who are at the top of the “attraction spectrum” are so attractive to us in part because they embody not only the best. But also the worst emotional characteristics of our parents! Imagotherapy sheds light on our habits in choosing a partner. From childhood we carry problems - the sediment after betrayal, anger, manipulation, and unconsciously, we seek healing through our partner, who often replaces the image of the father. We try to achieve this healing by emotionally bonding and re-creating the traumatic situation with the surrogate in the hope that we can finally convince him to love and accept us.

At the same time, our conscious mind tries to choose a partner with positive qualities for us, but our unconscious craves revenge and draws us to people with the qualities that hurt us the most in childhood. By choosing for a relationship a man who scores from 7 to 10 points on the “attraction spectrum” scale, many women believe that they have met their true love and passion, but this is not so - they have met only a surrogate who should resolve their unfinished drama. And it cannot be "lost" in this way. This partly explains why we are so mistaken in choosing a partner and step on the same rake.

How to choose "your" man according to the attractiveness spectrum scale

It also explains why we feel most poignant with the bad guys, who put us at risk for more drama and heartbreak. Relationships with them can be painfully exciting, but they are rarely comfortable and safe for the psyche. While men with points 1-5 in the "spectrum of attraction" inspire only one boredom, although they can be beautiful, and kind, and generally perfect! They are simply safe for us, and although we feel more comfortable with them, the result is boredom. Frustration, and lack of passion.

According to the experience of psychologists, women who prefer men with the maximum score, and do not compromise, are much more likely to be left alone. To prevent this from happening, and also to avoid fruitless and painful relationships, they recommend staying with men whose attractiveness to you is in the middle of the range - 4-6 points: they have flaws, but you can close your eyes to them. And you don't lose your head after dating guys like that. Of course, attraction to them will not flare up immediately; it usually takes longer for a relationship to show you how interested you really are in that person. But, most likely, you will find real and lasting love in the face of such a man.

Cultivating attractiveness

Sexual attraction, sex appeal can grow - and many of us can agree with this, remembering the experience when the one we met became more attractive to us over time. So what do we do when we meet someone who inspires us, and we feel sparks of attraction, but they are not enough to fall in love?

If you have seen artists working on a portrait, you will notice that they often squint. This helps them focus on the essence of one subject without being distracted by outlines. We should do the same in our relationships - squint and consider the features that we like the most. This will increase his chances, because sexual desire is a much more volatile feeling than you might think. The more we focus on these qualities that trigger our desire, the more likely we are to feel passion. When we start caring and thinking about someone, our sexual fantasies and desires increase, along with our growing dependence on that person. This is how we can activate our passion.

When we build muscle through bodybuilding, our body creates new capillaries to feed it. When we create new love, something similar happens: literally new nerve endings, emotional pathways, new rituals, sensory memories and needs are created. This whole network allows a stranger to become our loved one. This is why a breakup, a divorce, can cause us real physical pain.

But if you feel a spark of attraction, don't rush - give yourself space. No matter how great a person he is, you don't have to love him more than you can. Forcing the senses will only block the natural flow of attraction. Instead, allow yourself to reflect on what draws you to him and what you value most about him.

Love takes time

Cultivating attractiveness takes inspiration and time! Take time to let your fantasies unfold the plot. In the meantime, you could just hold hands at the movies. Or you can allow yourself to gently touch for a long time. You can imagine fast hot sex - anything that could develop your passion. But it is better to postpone the fulfillment of fantasies after five or six dates - this way the attraction will only grow. This is a great way to cultivate passion. More importantly, don't have sex with a new partner too early, as the potential fear of intimacy makes you want to run away.

Things to know (Q&A)

What is the best way to meet a man?

You can meet men in several places: a coffee shop, a grocery store, a hardware store, public parks, on trains or buses, a bar, at the gym . The list can go on and on, but if you frequent certain places a lot and aren't finding the type of man you want to attract, perhaps try switching it up.

How do you meet your boyfriend?

  1. Find Your Type. Even if you have not had a boyfriend before, you already know what type interests you. ...
  2. Enjoy Life to the Fullest. When you go out there, make sure you explore and pursue the things that you enjoy. ...
  3. Join Groups. ...
  4. Try Blind Dates. ...
  5. Attend Events. ...
  6. Travel Alone. ...
  7. Flirt More. ...
  8. Believe in Love.

How do I meet a man in real life?

Here are some ideas to meet people in real life:

  1. Meetups (or specifically meetups for singles)
  2. Network events for your industry.
  3. Alumni events from your college or high school.
  4. Sports clubs (like running, biking, soccer, triathlons, etc.)
  5. Gyms and yoga studios.
  6. Friends setting you up.
  7. Friends of friends at group gatherings.

How do you make a man meet you?

A guy wants to feel like he's free to be himself, which requires some alone time. Respect that space by having your own interests and activities outside of him. Make it clear to him you have your own group of friends, hobbies, and interests . If he sees you're more independent, he's likely to want you more.

Where is the best place to meet a man?

Although some people find great partners or have good experiences dating online, meeting in person organically is generally more promising. You can meet men in several places: a coffee shop, a grocery store, a hardware store, public parks, on trains or buses, a bar, at the gym .

What should I do when I meet my boyfriend?

Here were some of our favourite tips for making yourself memorable when you first meet someone new.

  1. Put on your talking hat.
  2. Be blunt, slightly controversial, and completely honest.
  3. Be a little bit unusual.
  4. Use confident body language.
  5. Trigger emotions.
  6. Be an engaged listener.
  7. Read more:

How do you get your boyfriend to meet you?

Whether it's a walk, a trip to the beach, or a movie night – find something that you both can get excited about . Consider what he's into lately, and what he might most want to spend his time on. Think back to where you met him and what the two of you did together at the beginning of your relationship.

Is it possible to meet someone in real life?

Even though it may not feel like it, especially in a pandemic-era world, experts say it is entirely possible to still meet people face-to-face . And though it may seem like everyone you know is meeting their partners online, that's not necessarily the cas